Heart Wise

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head and heart this morning, and not much time to share any of them. But I at least owe you a follow up concerning the results from the heart monitor, yes?

Yes.

The cardiologist did call me back after reading the results. And in a nutshell, the bottom part of my heart isn't working quite right. Meaning, I have lots of extra beats there. To me, if feels as though I'm getting skipped beats ... but I trust he knows how to read the stips accurately. :-)

We don't have any idea what is causing it. It could be as simple as a magnesium deficiency, which would not be that uncommon in people with intestinal diseases. He will probably check for a magnesium deficiency and an electrolyte imbalance, just to be safe. But for now, he's scheduled me for an ultrasound to determine whether the heart is enlarged. He's looking for one other thing also, but I don't recall what it was.

I think the major concern is that the extra beats are happening so frequently. It is not uncommon for me to have an occasional skipped beat, extra beat ... a flutter. But for the last five or six weeks, it's been a fairly constant occurence. And with my cardiac history, he doesn't want to mess around or leave it be. And I think that's wise.

Heart wise.

And speaking of hearts ...

My physical heart is having flutters. My spiritual heart is having flusters.

Having constant physical flutters produces an anxious feeling. If you've ever had any heart trouble, you know what I'm talking about. It's unsettling. It takes your breath away, quite literally. It makes you nervous.

Having constant physical flutters can also make me anxious emotionally, and this is what I'm having to strive hard to control. I feel anxious about possibly needing more heart procedures done. I feel anxious about medical bills. I feel anxious about it possibly being something that cannot be fixed.

And on and on it goes ... if I let it.

So I turn to the Lord, and ask Him for peace. I ask Him to comfort me, give me strength physically, as well as spiritually and emotionally.

Life does not stop because I have extra heart beats. Other peoples hearts go on beating regularly. Methodically. Perfectly.

I cannot make my heart beat like that.

But when my physical heart is confused, I don't want my spiritual heart to follow suit. I need to set my spiritual heart on the things above, rest in Him and His all sufficient grace, and lay every little extra heartbeat at the foot of the Cross. Where His grace and mercy are abundant. Where I can rest in His sovereignty and goodness. His watchcare over me. Over my kids.

If there's one thing I learned from the time of my life where I was bedridden and had little kids to take care of, it's that I am not irreplacable. This world keeps going whether I am here or not. If my heart fails, the rythym of my children's hearts will continue. The steady beat of my husbands heart that I hear when I lay my head on his chest will endure. The laundry will still get washed and folded (well, it will get washed ...). Andrew will still get his driver's license. Someone will take over being secretary for the church, etc., etc.

My job is not to worry about who will accomplish everything I do if I am no longer able, but to trust God when He says that "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

Bottom line: He knows what He's doing. I am the clay. He is the Potter.

I trust Him to make me into a beautiful vessel that can be used by Him. And if it takes extra heartbeats to accomplish that, then so be it.

I trust the Lord.

If I can trust Him with my soul, I can trust Him with my heart.

Extra beats and all.

~Brenda