Due to the emails that I've been receiving, some clarity on the issue of early marriage is appropriate. What I write will not be my total view on marriage. Only a few issues will be dealt with. I realize I'm the only one seeing the feedback, and so, some of you may question why I'm dealing with specific issues. But hopefully, everyone will be able to understand what I'm saying and take away a few gold nuggets (or cow pies, however you view my opinions). ;-)
First of all, I apologize if my blog on marriage came across as flippant. I am not flippant about marriage, and especially not about early marriages. Marriage is serious business, no matter what age you are. Hopefully, the way I live my life is proof enough of this belief.
The question of maturity levels were brought to my attention. And while I agree that a person needs to be mature when he or she marries, I do not agree that their maturity level needs to be equal with that of someone old. I believe that marriage is an excellent opportunity to BECOME mature, to learn what it means to lay down one's life for another, to sacrifice your own preferences for your mate's, and to follow (or lead) in your spousal role. Marriage is not something you can go into having perfected these qualities. You learn them as you go. It's an opportunity (as is parenthood) to grow spiritually in a way that is very likely impossible any other way.
The key to making a marriage work is a matter of the heart. There's very little room for selfish, disloyal, uncommitted hearts when two people are in the process of becoming one. So the question is .... how dedicated is the couple? What if poverty comes? Will they still stick together? What if all of their children have Down's Syndrome? Will it "be too much" for them? What if one partner becomes ill, unable to work or take care of children? Will they do what it takes to make it work? Will they use any hardship in life as an excuse to get out of the marriage? In my view, there is no reason for divorce, barring physical harm or sexual immorality. So when I hear excuses such as, "he wasn't who I thought he was," or, "I was just too young when I got married,", or, "she's way too much like my mother," ... whatever the excuse may be, I automatically hear, "I'm quitting, I'm not committed and never was."
Do I think that young people can be dedicated to a marriage? YES. I DO. I was young and immature when I got married, but I believe that Shaun and I were both sober-minded when it came to staying together. I was committed, in part, because that's what I was raised to believe marriage was about. I was never SHOWN how to live that way (by my parents), but I was taught the concepts of it. And by God's grace, those beliefs were deeply transferred into my heart. And it's by God's grace that I've been able to remain committed. It will only be by God's grace that ANYONE who gets married, STAYS married. The trick is not necessarily being old enough to get married (although I realize there are limits), but whether you are able to truly fathom the awesome commitment that marriage entails.
Secondly, the woman's "need" of a career was also brought to my attention. On this issue, I am flagrantly old fashioned. I believe that the career and financial responsibility primarily lie with the man. A woman does not NEED a career before she weds. I am not against it if she wants to do that, but I believe God made men to be the providers and women to be the nurturers. I am also of the opinion that if a woman does have a career, it can be a temptation for her to view it as a way out "in case things don't work out" in the marriage. Again, that's an excuse ... a cop out. Marriage is a bonding of yourself together with someone and to say that you need a backup plan is stating that you are unwilling to commit to being with someone until you die. Having said that, I want to make it clear that I do not have an issue with women having a career. But it should be more of an insurance in the case that their spouse dies, rather than if the marriage "doesn't work out." In my eyes, my daughters do not need to have a self-sustaining career when they get married. But when it comes time for Andrew to be married, a stable job that can support a family is of utmost importance.
To wrap up, when my girls want to be married, I'm not going to ask them whether they make enough money or whether they've lived enough (aka partied enough) to be able to settle down. I want to know if they are committed to their spouse, to God, and to the family they will become. I want to know if they are willing to follow (to the ends of the earth, if necessary) their husbands to be. And I want to know if they (husband and wife) are open to the Lord's direction, and are growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior. In other words, what is in their hearts? Are they dedicated? Are they open to God's leading, and the advice of those in authority over them? If the answer is yes, and they are at a reasonable age with stable income, then who am I to keep them from God's gift of marriage?
I hope that has calmed some of the fears that I've apparently fanned. Rest assured, friends and family, we are not encouraging a marriage before the time is right. I'm asking you to have a little bit of faith in our parenting, and ultimately in God. We could use your prayers, because giving a blessing on a marriage is nearly as serious as being the one getting married. We do not take the situation lightly. But it is a balance between getting them ready financially and spiritually, and keeping them pure. If it ever comes down to whether they have reached their premarital banking goals, or whether they are about to corrupt their flesh, I'll advise them to work a second job and get married. I'll not have any sacrificing of the sacred.
Thanks for the great responses and conversations. Feel free to keep them coming. I apologize that the blog will only hold 300 word comments. I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to fix that, but I'm not sure there is a way.
Until next time,
~PrairieBren
"Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh; What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder." Matthew 19:6
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